Today I had a moment outside a shop in my lovely downtown. It was a sound that once heard I needed to know where it was coming from immediately. It was the sound of water. I stopped. My eyes started scanning my surroundings. I landed on the source. A fountain across the street on a residential property. Potential panic averted. In that moment I realized I still have some level of unresolved trauma from arguably one of the worst days of my life.

So how am I doing two years on from the flooding of July 10th 2023? If I were to really reflect I’d say definitely better and definitely still working through it. The word that feels most appropriate is vigilant. I look at weather reports everyday. I look at multiple weather sources. From observation over time I now know what certain elements of weather reports mean. I know that certain patterns in the weather mean that I will have to monitor the basement. I know that if we’ve had a certain amount of rain within a dry spell we are most likely ok but I still have to monitor the basement just in case. I know that an inch of rain in March or April means one thing, while an inch of rain in August means another. All because of relativity.

In reflecting on my current situation I also realized that I still live under the constant threat of the neighbor’s stormwater pond, that in many ways I’m still living next to someone who has caused me and my family harm. I’m not able to publicly name him and his wife but if you’re good at research you can figure it out. And so the question remains, how am I? Honestly, it depends on the weather, it depends on the day. I can however say that I now have more good days than bad days. I no longer shake in fear when I read about predicted rain amounts, I just know what I have to do and I do it. There have been a few storms that we watched from the front porch and I thought to myself “this is nice.” I think that’s huge quite frankly. Last summer my husband installed a pump system in the backyard to prevent the stormwater pond from impacting us as it had the year before should it breach its walls again.

There are still a couple of people who check in when we have a big rain event, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that and how much I appreciate you dear reader whoever you are for following the story of my life and how it is unfolding. This has been a very big arc in it. One that has forever changed me in ways I could not comprehend. I suppose that is what trauma does. It shapes us. It leaves an indelible mark upon us. What we do with that imprint is up to us. I know that I will continue to transverse this chasm of vigilance. Two years on and yes I have made a lot of progress. I’ve gone from drowning to treading water to swimming. But I am getting tired and I’d like to rest.

Father won’t you carry me
For the ocean is wide
Father won’t you carry me
For my boat is so small

Father on a moonless night
Help me cross the stormy sea
Out here in the darkness
Help me find my way back home

Father won’t you carry me
For the oceans wide
Father won’t you carry me
For my boat is so small

Father in this season of dying
Let me sleep in your arms
And come watch over me
Someone watching over me, over me

Father won’t you carry me
Father won’t you carry me
Father won’t you carry me home

~Johnathan Elias – Movement V: Grace (from The Prayer Cycle)