This week I lost a hospice client very suddenly. About 6 weeks ago he had been in decline and went on a new course of meds. They were helping. His quality of life improved and he had been more stable since going on this new protocol. I was optimistic that he’d have maybe 4 more months. I know nothing. Last week when I saw him and his wife he was his usual good natured self. Family was coming in for Thanksgiving, again he seemed stable. I was looking forward to my next appointment with them.

Then, on Monday, I got the text from his wife that he had died that morning. It was a morning where my daughter was complaining of a belly ache. Being the mom that I am, and also very much needing the income, I looked at her and said “sorry sweetie, you don’t have a fever, you’re not throwing up, you don’t have a broken bone; you’re going to school today.” The look on her face was not awesome. So I walked her to school and came home to get ready to go see my client at 10. Then, at 9:30, I got the call from the school. She had a fever, she had a headache, she had chills. Ok, I’ll come and get her after I text my client. I texted that I had to reschedule and my client’s wife was understanding. There was no indication that anything was amiss.

Later that evening as I was making dinner for my sick child I received a text from her that they were so grateful for my support, that he had always looked forward to my coming, and that he had died that morning. Not only had he died that morning but I would have been there around the time of his death. A dagger went straight to my heart hearing all of this. I was wrecked. Not only was his death sudden but he had died knowing that I wasn’t able to be there and this tore into me deeply.

There have been many times in my life when mothering has been in direct conflict with my ability to support a client. Most of the time I’m able to let it go pretty quickly. This time was much more difficult though. Why? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe it’s because in the recent wake of my leaving an abuse marriage I’m now much more of a single mother than I ever have been. The loss of income when I have to reschedule due to either myself or my child being sick is a very real threat that I face and it has real consequences. That’s part of it, but not all of it. I have observed that mothering and supporting my clients uses the same type and amount of energy. I am dedicated to both my child and my practice and that does at times come at a cost. It’s a cost that I do my best to manage, and most of the time do so with grace and an open heart, and sometimes the cost is higher like on Monday. I felt this one especially hard.

I know that mothering my child is the most important work of my life. That caring for her when she needs me is paramount. And there are times when the frustration of doing this alone as well as working as intensely as I do are in conflict. I navigate this as best I can and I can’t deny that is is hard, that I can get resentful, and that because I am still her safe space, her homeland, it is critical that I be present for as much of her life as possible. In my 13 years as a massage therapist, 10 as a mother, and 5 as an oncology & hospice massage therapist I have realized that there is a delicate dance inside of all of these roles. Sometimes I waltz, at other times I struggle with two left feet. Either way I keep on dancing.