For those of you who don’t know I’m going through my second divorce. A snapshot of what lead to this divorce from someone whom I thought was my soulmate included emotional abuse, intellectual abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, and social abuse. In 2020, inside of a marriage that was dying a man came into my life. A man who presented himself differently than my husband at the time. In my sea of emotional neglect inside my first marriage I feel deeply in love with someone who swept in, began stalking me immediately to understand how I move through the world, and would eventually become my second husband. What I didn’t know then, and I know now, is that covert narcism is just that. It’s covert. You don’t see it because it’s cleverly disguised as charm, humor, connection, charisma, and passion. But underneath the surface, underneath the mask, lies a monster who will eat you alive.

At the time of our meeting I thought my second husband was securely embodied in his masculine. What I thought was protectiveness was actually possession; love was control; understanding was manipulation. All of this was dressed up inside of someone who made me laugh the way others didn’t. Who was passionate in ways that I hadn’t experienced in years, probably over a decade. He presented himself as in touch with his emotions because he’d easily cry during movies or emotional moments like weddings or the announcement of a baby. What I thought was safety was actually him just mirroring me.

There’s a lot that I’m not yet ready to talk about here. I’m still very much in it and I’m having to process complicated grief in losing something that I thought would last forever. I’m also not entirely sure that he’s not reading this right now. He very well could be. I have no control over what he chooses to do with his obsession to dominate me. Now that I have a restraining order against him he may in fact be finding ways to peak into my life either through someone else on social media or by spending time on this site. If you’re him and you’re reading this here’s what I want you to know.

I have learned how to see you for what you were at the end, a monster.

I have learned that for men who feel powerless in their lives they seek to control their partners.

I have learned that there is no hope of recovery for you because you now have hardwiring that cannot be changed or undone in any way.

I have learned that you have cut yourself off from every person in your life including your children & grandchildren.

I have learned that everything you accused me of doing was actually an admission on your part.

I have learned more about borderline personality disorder and covert narcissism than I had ever hoped to in a lifetime.

And now for the flip side.

I have learned how to be happy for the first time in many, many years.

I have learned how to ask for help from others because getting help was the only way I was going to survive you.

I have learned that the sound of the door opening downstairs doesn’t mean that I’m in danger.

I have learned that when you decide to live authentically and put yourself out there, a great reward can come from the risk of being vulnerable with others.

I have learned that there is an emerging mindset of men who ask for consent.

I have learned that taking a chance on someone who is kind and genuinely interested can lead to unexpected cosmic connection.

I have learned how to slow down and savor every bite, every sip, every laugh.

I have learned that there are men who see me as a whole person, not just what they can get from me.

I have learned to trust my dreams again as you begin to fade from them.

I have learned that when I don’t have to constantly co-regulate for someone else I am more focused, organized, tidy, and fun.

I have both learned and unlearned on this journey.

They say that adversary is a great teacher. I am currently a devout student.