Three hundred and sixty six days ago I spent the morning getting screamed at and being called a cunt for the first time by a man who professed to love me. When I finally got away I fled to my friend’s house in tears. Three hundred and sixty five days ago that same man was snowboarding on his day off, crashed into a tree, and broke his femur. His first thought was to call me from the emergency room. Within a span of 24 hours he had told me I wasn’t his wife anymore. Then suddenly I was the only person in the world whom he needed more than anything and I knew I was trapped. I came right away because that’s the kind of person I am and I was still existing inside of a murky pond of “maybe we can make something work, maybe we can figure out how to love each other while still being separated.” I was wrong.

Yesterday I spent the morning in court. I had dreaded this day for months. My objective was twofold: argue my case to the judge with the help of my awesome lawyer, and go head to head with his.

Yesterday was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. Seeing my abuser again in person was not something I had ever wanted to do again willingly. I will say though that the court and my lawyer supported me very well given that I have a restraining order against him. That made a huge difference. I also had someone with me who has been pivotal in helping me get out of this abusive second marriage and into a safe, stable place in my life. I realized a few months ago that when I had my day in court I was going to have to do it afraid regardless, that this was my only hope of getting what I want from this mistake of a marriage.

I’ve spent the last year and a half reflecting on this relationship, how I got here, what I did wrong, where my blindspots were, and wondering how I avoid another relationship with a covert narcissist who also has borderline personality disorder (my assessment of him based on research I’ve done). When I look back on the start of this relationship I see that there were red flags from the beginning that I completely ignored in the wake of my dying first marriage. The first being that we were starting our relationship on the shaky ground of having had an affair. My second marriage was born out of my first in the form of this exit affair. Not a great way to begin a life with someone. What I now know is that these relationships rarely last. That a second marriage is even more likely to fail than a first one. And that being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is one of the most violent forms of abuse that exists.

What were some of the other red flags? There were many, here are a few…he owed child support arrears, he owed back taxes, he had less education than me (I realize how elitist this sounds, in this case it really was a red flag), he didn’t have a passport, he didn’t seem to have professional or personal goals for himself only dreams that never became a reality because he lacks discipline, he believed in a number of conspiracy theories, and the biggest one that I overlooked and never will again…his political affiliation and voting history. Yes, I, a left leaning progressive had fallen in love with a xenophobic, misogynistic, racist, transphobic nazi. I said what I said. I don’t have it in me to explain how exactly I got there but when you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist you are living a very slow death of self and usually by the time you realize what’s going on, why you’re so confused all the time, it’s dangerous to leave. Very dangerous. That is exactly where I found myself on the morning of February 13th, 2025 in an emergency room while comforting the man whom twenty for hours ago was screaming at me for hours and hours.

I am now living inside of the first year of freedom. This involves things like court dates and a continued relationship with my awesome lawyer (her name is Elizabeth Kruska btw). It also involves reflecting on a new set of anniversaries…exactly a year ago my ex did xyz dangerous thing, exactly a year ago he ruined my birthday for the last time, exactly a year ago I was accused of abc…it’s a different kind of journey through grief and loss but an important one nonetheless.

And so, here I am inside of that first year managing the remainder of the dissolution of this marriage that turned out to be a living hell that I should never have entered into. Waiting for a judge to make a decision that will have a huge financial impact on me depending on how he directs his ruling. Going to court yesterday was one of the more surreal experiences of my life and one that I do not wish to repeat anytime soon. While I still don’t know the outcome of that experience but I can say with certainty that based on my performance against his lawyer I was the definitive winner. I remained cool, calm, and collected during my cross examination. I looked him directly in the eyes while answering in curt emotionless responses. I owned every answer I gave. I spoke clearly and assertively in the face of a man who was trying to get me to shrink. Trying to get me to yield, to submit, to obey. What he didn’t know was that I had been practicing for this moment for months. That I was prepared to disarm him with the most potent form of acknowledgment I had in me: disdain.

Yesterday I walked into a courthouse knowing that I had to do something hard, something scary, and I did it anyway. I did it afraid because I had no choice. Yesterday I walked out of a courthouse feeling like I slayed a dragon, because I did.

“Until at last, I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountainside.”

(J.R.R. Tolkien, LOTR film)